I do really wish I knew what I was looking for, but it's really clear at this moment. I am tried of being alone, but I still like to be treated like shit. I only date guys that don't really want me. I actually wish I understood what was going on. I'm scared of the dark and I'm sure why, but at times I wish I didn't have to wake up alone and fall asleep alone. I want someone to hold my hand in this scary time in my life. I still choose guys that have sex with me and then never call me. I never choose a guy that sticks around. I always choose guys that I have to beg to love. No man has ever put me first. I've been hit, slapped, kicked, ignored, told I was fat, told no one ever love me. No man has ever done nice thing unless it was to impress me or to make up for their bad behavior. I have never had a valentine. This is my fault because i choose men that treat me like garbage.
I refuse to be this woman anymore. I deserve to be happy. I deserve love, but I think I'm to fat for love. I don't believe I'm pretty enough. People can tell me how beautiful I am all day, but I would never believe it. I think I have to be a size 8 for love. I also think I need a career. I'm sure that every man will find someone better me to love. I trust no one, because at some point a person will give up on me. No one stays around long.
I have a beautiful son that makes this world a batter, I don't feel like I am good enough to be his mother. I think everyone, but me could do a better job.I drank and used drugs everyday since my divorce. I couldn't handle being sober it hurt the inside of my soul. All i ever wanted was my husband to put me first just a little bit, but it was just him being angry at me. I wish I was able to make him love me, but I was never enough. I wanted us to be a family and it was never enough. The hitting would never stop, the names torn into my soul, everything I gave him was broken into piece. I left looking for love, but the only love I ever found was whiskey, sex, cocaine, and pot. I was scared to be left alone with my son of free that I was to high or drunk to take care of him. I'm sober now 14 months and I'm still afraid that I'm going to screw up this life and that I'll never give him what he needs. I'm little scared of what I can become and I never want to lead my son down such a path. 28 and I'm alone.
I walked away from my family. I had to I dealt with years of abuse and as an adult I still hear the words that cut the inside of my soul. I did everything to find a place in my family there was not one made for me. I tried for years to become someone I wasn't so they would love me. I just wanted a mom that loved me and listen to me without judgement. I wanted a father that loved me that help me during tough time instead of turning his back on me and treating me like a piece of shit. A father that loved me and didn't love my siblings more then he loved me. I just wanted to matter to someone with out becoming someone else. I guess I just started searching for someone since I was child. well not someone a man. A man to love me the way God loves me. I never turned to God for help. I just asked for what I wanted. I never said God please show me the right way. I just ask for what I thought I wanted.
This is why I am taking the next 6 months to be me. To love other including myself and my son. To find what it is that I want to do with my life. To believe in God to have faith in God and to trust in God. I want to experience the world in God's way, not my way. I want to be loved, but not the kind that I thought was love. Which meant hitting and name calling and put downs. I want to find the kind of love that is truly beautiful. Maybe I'll find it maybe I wont want either way I want to be secure in who I am. This may take longer then I excepted. I just want to be able to walk Thu this world with God holding my hand. loving my son that God gave me as a gift and Loving the person God made. I just have to find the person inside of me that is hiding, by fear. I guess I will see where this little journey takes me.
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